Last Friday’s dating column in Georgetown University’s “The Guide” had an article, “Why We’re Making Out, Not Going Out”, that ended with this line: “it is not a question of whether you will participate in hookup culture, but how you will.” I’d like to think things haven’t quite come this far yet, but it’s not difficult at all to find evidence for this observation. The article begs the question, what is the so-called “hookup culture”? Is it really what we want, and furthermore, inevitable? What are the other options?

Consider the question of marriage versus cohabitation. Between our own experience and recent publications, such as last fall’s Time Magazine article “Who Needs Marriage?”, it seems that cohabitation before marriage, or maybe even in place of marriage, is now the way to go. Proponents of cohabitation say that it is a more loving and romantic alternative than hooking up, but not as restricting, stuffy, or risky as waiting until marriage. With divorce rates so alarmingly high, many say that now more than ever couples need to be assured that they will be happy living together before they make a commitment. Why not, so the argument goes, test drive the car before buying it? “If I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with this person, I want to make sure I enjoy doing so, especially living together.” “What happens if I find out a few months into my marriage that I don’t like living with my wife, or I don’t like sleeping in the same bed as my husband?” These are common reasons given for cohabitating. A common theme throughout these questions might actually look something like this: is there a dressing room where I can try my spouse on for a little while?

The paradox is that most Americans in their 20s and 30s feel very uncomfortable about cohabitation before marriage because they still have the dream of a romantic marriage that doesn’t need a “test drive” or shouldn’t be like buying clothes, furniture, and cars, but they also find themselves highly suspicious of ever finding that level of certainty. According to Barbara Defoe Whitehead and David Popenoe in “Who Wants to Marry a Soul-Mate?,” 94% of young adults want to marry someone they would consider a soul-mate, while 62% of young adults agreed that cohabitation was a good way to avoid potential divorce in the future. Such findings seem to indicate that college students approaching these issues doubt the complete realization of a fulfilling marriage. Young adults and students are serious about their desires for happiness, care, and authentic loving relationship in marriage, but often feel confused about the path that will lead to this destination. We find ourselves wishing we could be certain that we could live with our spouse but don’t want to risk that our sanctified vision of the perfect marriage will crash in the flaming failure of divorce. So culturally we have opted for a “trial marriage”, the middle ground and, even then we worry about which path will make us more loved, cared for, and happy.

At the Cardinal O’Connor Conference held at Georgetown earlier this semester, one of the speakers addressed our problem with commitment. She said that all too often Americans decide to cohabit rather than risk not getting married, even while they, especially women, would have much rather gone straight to marriage. This speaker said that when these relationships lead to marriage, most are stunned to find that rather than being more successful, the relationships have an enormously larger rate of failure. And she said she had the evidence to prove it. This woman, Professor Helen Alvaré – an Associate Professor of Law at George Mason University—returned to Georgetown on March 29 to revisit the topic of cohabitation and its implications for the marriage culture.

According to Professor Alvaré, her research and all the most recent research on marriage across the country is beginning to show a frightening fact: marriages that start with cohabitation are more likely to fail, up to over two times as likely in some studies. Research also shows that couples who participate in cohabitations are more likely to experience increased violence, less commitment, and more unhappiness. Professor Alvaré asserted that one of the most robust, ironclad findings in family law research is that children in stable, two biological parent marriages do better in every measurable demographic—grades, crime, rates of abuse from parents—and that no amount of state intervention ever counters this phenomenon. She also shared that statistics show that even though women think to themselves that their cohabiting relationships will lead to marriage, their partner almost never believes the same.

A regular observance of the weekly dating column in “The Guide” would indicate that students and young adults choose to cohabit as a safety net due to an anxiety over dating and marriage that seems almost impossible to rectify.  Yet, if the previous assertions about the risky effects of cohabitation are legitimate, much is at stake.  As young adults, our futures hang in the balance and are often determined by the choices we make with our relationships. It is worth thoughtfully considering what the implications of cohabiting may be for us if we hope to secure a solid and stable future well-being.

Students involved with the Love and Fidelity Network are eager to engage in a thoughtful dialogue about alternative options. At Georgetown, we are interested in launching a civil constructive conversation in which another side of the story is presented: practicing dating and sexual integrity instead of hooking up and thoughtfully considering marriage instead of cohabitation. I invite you to join this conversation in consideration of the issues at stake.

Special Thanks to Christopher Mooney.  Christopher is a freshman at Georgetown University and a Student Fellow with the Love and Fidelity Network.  He recently helped host Professor Helen Alvaré for a lecture on campus discussion the question of cohabitation.  He is also part of a group of students seeking to launch an initiative at Georgetown to help uphold marriage, the family, and sexual integrity.

Filed under: Cohabitation, College, Dating, Hook-up, Marriage